Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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