im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
are you so shy because you have an std?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
