so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
