i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just had sex bonerless
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
