just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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