yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
