i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
