You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
