So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
