You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
