i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Someone signed my nipple.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
