Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
