Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
