I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
