i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
