she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
