I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
