Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
