is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
