WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
