Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
