my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
