just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Help. Why am I so naked?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
