i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
