I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
