I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
