If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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