i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
