I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
