WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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