he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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