There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
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