very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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