I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
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