she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
