In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
