I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
