is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
