I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
