Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
