I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
