I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
