My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
