One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
