Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
