I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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