we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
