she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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