Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
