Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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