I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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